EndlessLove...

I don't even know where to start. 

So I guess I will tell you a little about her... My grandma, is one of the most loving people I know. She loves her family more than anything. She has the strongest faith in life, love, and our savior. Diet coke and double mint gum are her favorite. While cosswords, phase ten, and her kindle keep her busy. She loves the sunlight in the morning, and the news at night. She hates clutter and loves her vacuum lines just right. 

I lived with her and my grandpa for my first two years of college. And I'd like to say that at the time I enjoyed every second. But let's be honest, living with your grandparents who are set in their ways sometimes was just, plain. out. difficult. Like I hate to be woken up in the mornings, but grandma loved to come wake me up. By either singing "good morning to you, good morning to you, you look like a money and you act like one too" or by turning on the lights and opening the blinds and tell me that I am going to sleep my life away! I despised it! I hated waking up, like why couldn't she just let me sleep for another hour! Ha ha..  Or like when I was trying to sleep for school in the morning, and all I can hear is the blaring tv upstairs of the news or jimmy kimmel! Like WHY. WHY. WHY. Does the tv have to be so loud 😁😁  I never was aloud to do my laundry on Sundays. Which was always annoying. Because at my not so religious house, we cleaned and did laundry on Sunday  because we were busy the rest of the week! Grandma always was telling me I had too many clothes or how I needed to clean my room and bathroom more. 

At the time I thought I was going to go crazy. But looking back on it all, I just have funny stories! All of the questions about who I'm with and what I'm doing. All the nagging about keeping my room clean, or picking up my bathroom after each time I get ready, are now life long habits I will have, forever. Since I don't live there I now find myself opening the blinds and windows in the mornings.. Cleaning up my room and bathroom after  I get ready is an everyday thing. Getting rid of clutter around my room. I find that I'm more and more like her everyday. 

While I stayed there I was able to enjoy the company of her and my grandpa on a whole other level. Listening to their funny stories, watching them bicker over something petty. Even though you know they love each other with everything they have, and just being able to become close to them! I will cherish those memories forever.. 

Also while staying there, I gained a new best friend. My grandma is someone I can confide in, with anything and everything. From stress at work and school to boys and my siblings and parents. She listened. She always listened, and she listened and gave some of the best advise. All of it was good, even if it was what I already knew, but didn't want to hear. 

She always wants the best for everyone. Even if her intentions don't come off as well to you as they sound to her, she has so much love for everyone. 

But now that you know a little about her, back to the real story. 

Today my grandma was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer. 

She has felt sick for quite some time and finally went to the doctor. They found a mass in her ovaries, and sent her up north to a cancer center just in case. 

Today was that appointment. 

While I was at work my aunt texted me about the appointment and told me that she was scheduled for surgery next Monday. I thanked her for notifying me and went back to work. When I got off I had two missed calls and a voicemail from my sister telling me to call back, and a message from my mom asking me if I had heard the news. I tried calling my sister but she didn't answer. So I messaged my mom and said about surgery on mon?  She instantly called. My grandmas CT scan results came back with cancer. 

Cancer. 

Cancer all over in her body. In her liver. In her heart. In her tissues. In her thyroid. In her lymph-nods. In her oesophagus. EVERYWHERE. 

She told me that they are going to try 5 rounds of chemo and then see where they are at to decide anything else.. 

I can't even begin to put into words how I feel right now.. I'm not even going to try to, it's pretty obvious of how anyone would feel.. 

My grandma, my best friend, is dying. There is nothing I can say. Nothing I can do. To make her better. To make everyone better. To make all the pain that all family and friends are going through right this second go away. 

Of course I've asked all questions. Why, does it always happen to good people. Why her. Why now. Why, why, why? How could this happen, what could we have done different? I was instantly sad, and then angry. Sad again and numb. Numb as if this isn't real. It doesn't feel real. It can't be real. 

But even though I am not a really religious person- I have faith in this moment. Faith that whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. Faith that it is all for a purpose. Faith that one day we can meet again. Faith. 

That's all I can do right now, cherish the moments we had, embrace the ones we will have, and have faith  

 

New Year*

    I have re read the same chapter of my life over and over again now for five years.. I now have no ties to you or your family. It is time for a new beginning, no looking back. This year is going to be full of me. Me being happy. Me doing me. Living for me. Being happy for me. Me supporting me. Me, me, me. 

  This may sound selfish, but honestly, I don't even care. It's kind of the point.  

   There are many thing I would like to change in my life, for the better. Starting would be my weight and how I feel about myself. I have already started working slowly on this already since summer. But this year there will be no returns. I will work out more often and train harder. I will eat better to help fuel my body. I am learning to love myself and not have to be dependent on having someone else care for me. This year will more than likely be a struggle. I know it will not be easy, but I am looking forward to seeing my outcomes and being happy with myself! 

Go To Girl..

Everyone has that someone they can go to and talk about anything and not feel judged. Whether is your best friend, mother, sister, aunt, brother, uncle, grandparents, god, or just a neighbor. It may change as you go on in life, but remember there is always someone willing to listen and help. There are many people in my life that I look up to and can to go for advise or help! But the person I am talking about today I call my - Go To Girl- She is someone that I could instantly trust. I know she would be there for me no matter what. Whether it was to complain about my weight, or if I needed help with anything. She doesn't give advise. Never tells me what to do, she just has a strong opinion on things she believes is right and wrong. I can tell her a situation and she can tell me 50 different things in one minute of talking, by how she gets her message across, even if i dont get what she is saying or see it how she see's it (ususally we are on the same page anyways), i get a good positive message every time. She lets me know when thigns are wrong, but justifies it. She makes me want to be a better person by her examples. She also makes me look at the bigger picture of life and realize spiritual things i nl ife and and how much easier it is to accomplish things and be happy when you are intact with God.

A drop in the ocean *

love without L.I.M.I.T.S <3

Sometimes life doesn't go as planned.. or in my case, it never goes as planned! People will come and go in your life.

Fate decides who enters your life; its up to you to keep them there.

What’s funny is we always seem to want what we can’t have.. Life is taken for granted by everyone, regardless.

Its like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert; waiting for you..

Maybe I am just old fashion.. but I believe in values, and morals. Ive always thought that I would be married young and start a family.. and be happy… but it doesn’t seem like that will ever happen at this point. People are different. No one wants to get married, they just want to live together! I think that if someone is good enough to be living with you why not marry them?  

but thats besides the point! I am living for me. doing things for me! i am happy and no one can take it away from me.. I am my biggest support!  when its my time it will happen! but as for now :

It’s a good thing for things like this that make even the littlest difference in my life… <3

Plus so much more! I am so grateful for everyone in my life.. present past and future! I am so blessed! <3

I'm a great believer in luck, and I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it -TJ

Life is like a camera. Focus on what's important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives, & if things don't work out the first time take another shot. ♥

Right now im sitting in my math 990 class..... not paying attention, as usual.... its almost over though thankfully!

I have been sad I haven't been able to blog lately :( ... the last one I started and I didnt remember what elese I was gonna add to it so its lame.. but I've been so busy its crazy! my nail tech class is amazing... I can do manicures now and just got a 90% on my infection control quiz (:  the class average was very poor I guess.. so I was happy... I am giving amanda and raquel manicures tomorrow (: for my first two real manicures! and today we are learning pedicures... kinda grossed out about that but what can ya do? ha! im just excited to finally be doing whati Iwant to do! (:

Also in a couple weeks i am going to Disneyland for the first time (: YAY! haha I am acting like a little kid about it!! All that are going is My mom, Baylie, Taydin, and me in my family. Then The Ferderbers are going, but not bringing Sidney, and the Jewkes are coming but not bringing Jada! Its going to be so much fun (: Missing school is gonna suck a little, and they are gonna hate me even more in cheer because of it, because im gonna be missing a performance..  but oh well! this is like a once in a lifetime opportunity to go, especially with all the little cousins.. its going to be great fun (:

Finally started to snow!

my car before school

Kam and Teag in their cute hats I made before christmas

The team picture for the roster

sometimes things can get a little messy..

"There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state to another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, that we may've appreciate the enjoyments of life." alexandre dumas

so far, nothing in my life has gone "according to plan"... people change, friends/boys come and go, and life goes on... the only thing in life that's certain is that things are constantly changing... from this I've learned to not get my hopes up... people anymore, are not reliable at all... those who you think will be there until the world stops, with you, usually are the ones who hurt you the most. even when your world turns upside down, you can always count on yourself and your family...& don't lose site of what's real and who you are.. always stay true to yourself... like my dad and grandma rich say " remember who you are and where you come from"

on a better note- today was justines 23rd birthday... we went to the cowboy kitchen and then had cake at raquels! it was fun, them I hung out with amanda the rest of the night(:

blogging from my phone now.... ha ha gotta love apps (;

one step at a time*

Anyone can do anything if they set their mind to it. It usually is the first steps that are the hardest, whether it is losing weight or starting a career. Most people are searching for happiness. They’re looking for it and are trying to find it in someone or something outside of themselves. That’s a fundamental mistake. Happiness is something that you are, and it comes from the way you think. There are two types of people in the world. Those who think they can, and those who think they can't, and we are all one of them! You are the decider of if you can or if you can’t. If you think you can then you will be able to; but if you think you can’t then you won’t.

“Believe that you can,

And you’re half-way there!”

-Theodore Roosevelt

This brings me to the paths in life that I have chosen. All my life I have been pushed towards this and that. I’ve been told this is right and this is wrong. People can give you advice and try to tell you how to live your life all they want. But in the end it’s about what YOU want. This whole college experience of growing up and being on my own has taught me a lot about life. My parents have had an influence on everything I have done in my life so far. They are great examples to me and I love them dearly. Going to college was always a given for me. I have been taught to go for the gold in life. Throughout school I have always had good grades. My dad was disappointed if I even had a B. I think he always expected more of me than I can give. He has always had high expectations for me, which is a complement, but at the same time hard to live up to. I have always wanted to go into cosmetology. It has been a goal since I was a little girl sitting on the bathroom toilet watching my aunts get ready and having them teach me how to do my own hair and makeup. My dad never really agreed with me on this. To this day he thinks I should be a lawyer or an optometrist. Which I probably could do, if I was dedicated and loved/enjoyed it enough for a lifetime career. So for my first semester of college I tried things his way. I dropped my cosmetology class right before school and enrolled into generals. Anatomy had always been my favorite class in high school, so I figured why not take Anatomy/physiology in college. Well it was a mess. Between juggling 3 jobs, the SUN Center, and Cheer there was no way it would have ever turned out good. I was so stressed and unhappy at that time. I ended up dropping the class after receiving straight D’s on all of my tests. 30 hours of studying a week wasn’t cutting it.  I finished the semester with the rest of my generals I was taking. I instantly knew that that lifestyle wasn’t for me. So this semester I am in a Nail Tech class. So far I love it (: as for my dad he still doesn’t agree. But I already am so much happier and sure on the decision I have made.

“Faith is taking the first step

Even when you don’t see the

Whole staircase.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

I still plan to get my associates of science along with my cosmetology license. But as for now this is where I see happiness in my future and am looking forward to every second of it. There is room to grow and change in life no matter what point in your life you are at. Life is too short to be unhappy. Money isn’t everything if you are not happy. Always put your happiness first and things will seem to always go the right way. You will be happy and those around you that you are influencing in your life will be happy as well.